ADAPTING:
The World Health Organization is forecasting that deaths linked to shifting weather patterns will reach more than 300,000 a year by 2030. And some Americans think that all they will have to do is buy a coat, or an air conditioner, or a boat.

DENIAL:
The Office of Special Counsel is preparing a broad investigation into White House political operations that have been headed by chief Republican strategist Karl Rove. Sadly, not one person on the planet who knows what Karl Rove did will be able to remember him doing it. Meanwhile, Karl Rove has to be thinking, "I just threw them Scooter Libby and Alberto Gonzales, what more do they want?"

MONIES:
The Dow Jones went passed 13,000 this week. I guess that Halliburton stock must be
carrying a bigger load than I thought.  But I am not disappointed that I never did buy any.

TREATMENT:
As you know, Alec Baldwin called her daughter many rude comments this past week.
And you teenagers thought your parents were mean.

WEATHER:
It was so hot this week. I thought I had died and didn't make it into heaven.

EXCESSIVE:
John Edwards pays $400 for a haircut. Can we afford him as our president?

A controversial new plan may be implemented to improve the quality of life in New York City. This past weekend Mayor Michael Bloomberg introduced an eight dollar congestion fee for drivers who enter Manhattan. I hear "clubbing" is expensive in New York, now the entire city is just one giant cover charge.

CRITICISM:
While Simon Cowell was in Los Angeles working on "American Idol," his home in London was robbed. Police say it was the work of professional thieves, but Cowell described them as "amateurish and uninspired." - Conan

WARNING:
Democratic Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich has selected this past Wednesday to introduce articles of impeachment against Vice-President Dick Cheney. Congressmen Kucinich had better watch it; I hear that Dick Cheney is really wild with a gun.

CHARITY:
A Lebanese bank is offering loans to finance plastic surgery to meet growing demand from people seeking to improve their looks. I am sure they look fine, but if they want to obsessively throw their money away, use it to help the homeless.

STRANGE:
Jeff Probst and the "Survivor" crew are headed to China for the 14th installment of the CBS reality show. The last time China saw anything like this it had students looking down a barrel of a tank in Tiananmen Square. I wonder if the contestants will have to climb the Great Wall?

LUCK:
A Conover, North Carolina, convenience store clerk inadvertently won a $200,000 Powerball prize after she rang up duplicate lottery tickets and deciding to keep it. Some people just seem to be lucky; I wonder if she has a lucky rabbit's foot on her keychain.

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