TOO LATE:
Vice President Dick Cheney sought to encourage reconciliation among rival Iraqi factions in an unannounced visit to Baghdad, emphasizing that the current US military alone is not enough to end the conflict. I would say he's a day late and a dollar short, but it's more like four years and 300 billion.
WORRIES:
The Dow Jones industrial average is on its longest bull run in 80 years, the years just before the Great Depression. The biggest difference between then and now is that we have nine trillion dollars in debt.
EXPENSE:
Iowa is spending $6,000 to change the locks at one of its state prisons after a set of keys belonging to a long-retired guard turned up on eBay. Which I feel is odd, because they probably could've just bought the keys back for fifty bucks.
VACATION:
A Houston museum is offering 25 cents per cockroach to fill an exhibit about the wonders of insects that eat decomposing things. Who in the world would want to go there for a vacation? I just hope that my favorite Chinese restaurant doesn't suddenly have money for massive improvements.
PARDON:
Paris Hilton has posted a message for her 170,919 "friends" at MySpace, urging them to sign a petition asking California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to pardon her. That is one petition my children will not be signing.
APPROVAL:
The public's approval of President Bush has sunk to 28 percent, an all-time low for this president, and a point lower than Gallup recorded for his father at Bush Sr.'s worst. He is just determined to beat his dad at everything.
WORST:
A Canadian history magazine plans to highlight how a country stereotyped for its polite and somewhat boring citizenry can also boast its share of scoundrels through a survey seeking nominations for "the worst Canadian." So far the only guy I can think of is Dudley Dooright's long-time arch-nemesis, Snidely Whiplash.
CONFUSION:
ABC has set an end date for the show "Lost." The Emmy-winning adventure series will run for 48 more episodes over the next three seasons. And by the forty-first episode, the writers will actually figure out what's going.
PROTECTION:
The Secret Service says Illinois Senator Barack Obama is being placed under its protection, the earliest ever for a presidential candidate. It is probably because his name sounds like our number one most-wanted terrorist.
RESTORE:
Boston has finally restored the ringing mechanism of the 1866 British-forged bell atop Faneuil Hall, which had been inoperable for decades. The fix: a can of WD-40. They say that the mechanism is now ringing like a bell.
TRICK:
This last weekend, Street Sense went from 19th to 1st in final half mile to win the 133rd Kentucky Derby. I see that the "Jalapeno in the oats" trick worked.
ABANDON:
The school board officials in Milwaukee have changed their minds about a plan to use plastic handcuffs on out-of-control students. The plan, approved two weeks ago, was abandoned after a loud outcry from parents. Why don't they just reinstate the paddle? It worked wonders on me.

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