Skip to content

Narrow screen resolution Wide screen resolution Increase font size Decrease font size Default font size default color green color orange color

LaughingStock November Issue Available Now

Thanksgiving, Veteran's Day, Election, and Shopping Illustrations, Anecdotes, and One-Liners
Click Here...


How To Humor Ebooks
from FunnySermons.com
Click Here
$1.99 each
These five Ebooks will show you how to use humor effectively in the pulpit. Use humor today. Click Here
all for $6.49

Your Ad Here
09-07-2006 PDF Print E-mail
User Rating: / 0
PoorBest 
Wednesday, 09 August 2006

Newsletter for September 7, 2006

A cheerful heart is good medicine.
Proverbs 17:22
Current News Humor

 

 

A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs, jolted by every pebble in the road. -- Henry Ward Beecher 

   

Lectionary Passages for September 17, 2006 Proper 19 (24) [Year B]

 

 

Proverbs 1:20-33  Theme:  wisdom ; fools
Theme one-liner:  danger ; ignore

 


Wisdom Shouts in the Streets
20Wisdom shouts in the streets. She cries out in the public square. 21She calls out to the crowds along the main street, and to those in front of city hall. 22"You simpletons !" she cries. "How long will you go on being simpleminded? How long will you mockers relish your mocking? How long will you fools fight the facts ? 23Come here and listen to me! I'll pour out the spirit of wisdom upon you and make you wise.

24"I called you so often, but you didn't come. I reached out to you, but you paid no attention. 25You ignored my advice and rejected the correction I offered. 26So I will laugh when you are in trouble! I will mock you when disaster overtakes you-- 27when calamity overcomes you like a storm, when you are engulfed by trouble, and when anguish and distress overwhelm you.

 28"I will not answer when they cry for help. Even though they anxiously search for me, they will not find me. 29For they hated knowledge and chose not to fear the LORD. 30They rejected my advice and paid no attention when I corrected them. 31That is why they must eat the bitter fruit of living their own way. They must experience the full terror of the path they have chosen. 32For they are simpletons who turn away from me--to death. They are fools, and their own complacency will destroy them. 33But all who listen to me will live in peace and safety, unafraid of harm."

   

 

Psalm 19    Theme:  word of God ; creation
Theme one-liner:  word

 


Psalm 19

For the choir director: A psalm of David.
   1
    The heavens tell of the glory of God.
       The skies display his marvelous craftsmanship .

    2
    Day after day they continue to speak;
       night after night they make him known.

    3
    They speak without a sound or a word;
       their voice is silent in the skies;

    4
    yet their message has gone out to all the earth,
       and their words to all the world.
    The sun lives in the heavens
       where God placed it.

    5
    It bursts forth like a radiant bridegroom
       after his wedding.
    It rejoices like a great athlete
       eager to run the race.

    6
    The sun rises at one end of the heavens
       and follows its course to the other end.
       Nothing can hide from its heat.

    7
    The law of the LORD is perfect ,
       reviving the soul.
    The decrees of the LORD are trustworthy,
       making wise the simple.

    8
    The commandments of the LORD are right,
       bringing joy to the heart.
    The commands of the LORD are clear,
       giving insight to life.

    9
    Reverence for the LORD is pure,
       lasting forever.
    The laws of the LORD are true;
       each one is fair.

    10
    They are more desirable than gold,
       even the finest gold.
    They are sweeter than honey,
       even honey dripping from the comb.

    11
    They are a warning to those who hear them;
       there is great reward for those who obey them.

    12
    How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart?
       Cleanse me from these hidden faults.

    13
    Keep me from deliberate sins!
       Don't let them control me.
    Then I will be free of guilt
       and innocent of great sin.

    14
    May the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart
       be pleasing to you,
       O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.


 


Mark 8:27-38   Theme:  following ; teacher
Theme one-liner:  teaching

 


Peters Declaration about Jesus
 27Jesus and his disciples left Galilee and went up to the villages of Caesarea Philippi. As they were walking along, he asked them, "Who do people say I am?"

 28"Well," they replied, "some say John the Baptist, some say Elijah, and others say you are one of the other prophets."

 29Then Jesus asked, "Who do you say I am?"

 Peter replied, "You are the Messiah." 30But Jesus warned them not to tell anyone about him.

   

Jesus Predicts His Death
 31Then Jesus began to tell them that he, the Son of Man, would suffer many terrible things and be rejected by the leaders, the leading priests, and the teachers of religious law. He would be killed, and three days later he would rise again. 32As he talked about this openly with his disciples, Peter took him aside and told him he shouldn't say things like that.

 33Jesus turned and looked at his disciples and then said to Peter very sternly, "Get away from me, Satan! You are seeing things merely from a human point of view , not from God's."

 34Then he called his disciples and the crowds to come over and listen. "If any of you wants to be my follower," he told them, "you must put aside your selfish ambition, shoulder your cross, and follow me. 35If you try to keep your life for yourself, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will find true life. 36And how do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul in the process? 37Is anything worth more than your soul? 38If a person is ashamed of me and my message in these adulterous and sinful days, I, the Son of Man, will be ashamed of that person when I return in the glory of my Father with the holy angels."

  

 


James 3:1-12   Theme:  power ; tongue
Theme one-liner:  caution ; tongue

 


James 3

Controlling the Tongue
1Dear brothers and sisters, not many of you should become teachers in the church, for we who teach will be judged by God with greater strictness.

 2We all make many mistakes, but those who control their tongues can also control themselves in every other way. 3We can make a large horse turn around and go wherever we want by means of a small bit in its mouth. 4And a tiny rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot wants it to go, even though the winds are strong. 5So also, the tongue is a small thing, but what enormous damage it can do. A tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. 6And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is full of wickedness that can ruin your whole life. It can turn the entire course of your life into a blazing flame of destruction, for it is set on fire by hell itself.

7People can tame all kinds of animals and birds and reptiles and fish, 8but no one can tame the tongue. It is an uncontrollable evil, full of deadly poison .    9Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it breaks out into curses against those who have been made in the image of God. 10And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right! 11Does a spring of water bubble out with both fresh water and bitter water? 12Can you pick olives from a fig tree or figs from a grapevine? No, and you can't draw fresh water from a salty pool.

   

 

 

 

Holy Bible. New Living Translation copyright © 1996, 2004 by Tyndale Charitable Trust. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers.

 

 

 

bottom

To unsubscribe to this newsletter, log into your Paypal account and cancel via your subscription management.
Copyright 2006, FunnySermons.com


Quote this article on your site | Views: 276 | Print | E-mail

Be first to comment this article

Only registered users can write comments.
Please login or register.

 
< Prev   Next >

Login


Please consider making a donation to Funny Sermons. Your donation will help with web hosting and development costs.

Enter Amount:

FunnySermons.com Newsletters

Weekly RCL Humor
Daily Christian Humor


Receive HTML?

Lectionary Passages for December 7th 2008
[Year B]
Second Sunday in Advent

Isaiah 40:1-11

Psalm 85:1-2, 8-13
Mark 1:1-8
2 Peter 3:8-15


Copyright 1992 by the Consultation on Common Texts (CCT). Nashville: Abingdon Press.

New Site From FunnySermons.com


FunnySermons.com is happy to announce the completion of our newest site, PrayerFeed.com

PrayerFeed is a Myspace style Christian Social Networking site complete with custom profiles, groups, widgets, bulletins, and video and mp3 uploads. In addition, PrayerFeed.com includes a syndicated prayer request board.

The site was officially launched on August 19, 2008. You can create your account here.

Current Events

Current News Humor, Third Week In November - 2008
Read More...
Current News Humor, Second Week In November - 2008
Read More...
Current News Humor, First Week In November - 2008
Read More...
Current News Humor, Last Week In October - 2008
Read More...
Current News Humor, Fourth Week In October - 2008
Read More...

Current Quotations

Current News Quotations, Third Week In November - 2008
Read More...
Current News Quotations, Second Week In November - 2008
Read More...
Current News Quotations, First Week In November - 2008
Read More...

Top